Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Friday, February 11, 2011
Facebook History
Here we are sharing a funny stuff about Facebook which shows that what would happen if Facebook was there in history and how the major personalities of various time period would use it..... Check this out..
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Victims of Drinking
It’s almost time for New Year’s Eve party! Every year, boys and girls go extra wild on New Year’s Eve without caring what may happen to them. While it’s a happy day for us to welcome the year of 2011, make sure you don’t get too drunk in the party or you may end up looking like these poor victims below.
Friday, January 28, 2011
FACTS OF LIFE...... Enjoy Reading..
* If your father is a poor man, it is your fate, but if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
* If you are born ugly blame your parents, if you died ugly blame your doctor.
* I was born intelligent - education ruined me.
* Practice makes perfect.....But nobody's perfect......so why practice?
* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
* Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
* How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
* Money is not the only thing, it's everything.
* Save water. Shower with your girl friend.
* Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught.
* Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
* Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
* The wise never marry, and when they marry they become otherwise.
* Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
* Love is photogenic, It needs darkness to develop.
* "Your future depends on your dreams", So go to sleep.
* "Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk !
* "Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours !
* God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.
* When two's company, three's the result !
* A dress is like a barbed fence, It protects the premises without restricting the view
* The more you learn, the more you know,the more you know, the more you forget the more you forget, the less you know, So.. why learn.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
When Wife leaves Child to Husband!!
Lets see what happens when wives leave their children to their husbands....
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Unfortunate Advertisements Placements
Proper ad placement is very important for any advertising campaign.. Advertisers do pay lot of attention on this thing.. But advertisements placements are not always proper. Sometimes it creates very funny situations. Some of these types of unfortunate ad placements are shown belos...I hope these pictures will make you laugh...
Ad on the bus reads: "If you don't have GIO Third Party Property Insurance, we suggest you don't hit this bus"
Ad beside the baby girl reads: "Dad, what would happen to me and mommy if you died?"
Ad on the bus reads: "If you don't have GIO Third Party Property Insurance, we suggest you don't hit this bus"
Ad beside the baby girl reads: "Dad, what would happen to me and mommy if you died?"
Monday, August 30, 2010
Who is Intelligent : BOY or GIRL ???
One day, a girl, 16yrs old, heard from her mother that if she does a regular prayer for 4 yrs, a divine "Angel" would come to her in her dreams & give her 3 opertunities to wish anything. So she decided to do it. She completed 4 yrs successfully, doing prayer regularly.Now it was a day for "Angel" to come. So she slept earlier with thoughts in her mind to ask. And, really an "Angel" comes in her dreams. Now this is the dialogue between them.
Angel: O Girl, you prayed to me regularly within last 4 yrs, so I am very very happy with you. I will complete any of your 3 wishes. You can ask anything you like, but there is one condition.
Girl: Condition!, what is that?
Angel: You have a boy-friend?
Girl: Yes.
Angel: When you were doing a prayer, he was waiting for you, so he also sacrificed same as you. Moreover, he didn't know anything about boon and all, so he is also eligible for the boons. So whatever you will ask, he will get 10 times more than that of you. If you are agreed, then proceed for the 1 st boon.
Girl: (After thinking for some time ...): Yes, I am ready.
Girl: 1st, make me 10 times richer than the richest person in the world.
Angel: But your boy-friend will be 10 times richer than you.
Girl: It's OK.
Angel: Be as you wish!
Girl: 2nd, Make me 10 times more beautiful than the most beautiful girl in the world. Angel: But your boy-friend will be 10 times handsome than the most handsome boy in the world.
Girl: It's OK.
Angel: Be as you wish.
Angel: Now the last boon remains.
Girl: O Angel, please give me a MILD HEART-ATTACK.
Angel: What? Are you sure!
Girl: Yes. Very sure!
Angel: Be as you wish.
Think friends, what happened to her boy-friend, he got a severe heart-attack & died at once, while the girl remained alive. Thus, the girl became the world's most beautiful girl and the richest one, too.
Moral of the story(1): So intelligent the girls are! Girls are really more intelligent than we believe about them to be. So be careful boys!
Now, girls please stop reading ... boys scroll down...
Dear boys, dont worry, actually what happened is something different than what you all think! Actually,the girl's boy-friend got a heart-attack, 10 TIMES MILDER than that of the girl. So the boy-friend lived longer than the girl, being world's richest and the most handsome boy.
Moral of the story(2): Dear boys, the girls are not really that much intelligent than what we believe them to be. So dont worry if you think that you have girl-friend, intelligent than you.
Hey....I told u girls not to read...
Just for fun with truth...
Hidden Camera Bathroom ...CAREFUL...
"SEVEN CAUGHT IN ACTION "
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Sunday, August 29, 2010
A Letter to God... Funny
The post office received a letter addressed "To God." Not knowing where to deliver it, they forwarded it to one of the nearby churches.
The pastor read it at the next charity committee meeting:
Dear God,
I hate to bother you, but my family is having it tough right now. The rent is two month's due, my wife is expecting, and my car is broke down. Plus I just lost my job as a night watchman due to sleeping on the job. Please send us 1,000 bucks and I won't bother you again.
The pastor read the name and one of the members recognized it. "He lives right down the street from the church," she said. "This might be a good way to witness to him and show him we care."
The others agreed but the church fund was only to help members. Finally, after much discussion, they decided to pool their resources and give from their own pockets. They came up with 500 bucks, then wrote out a check from the church and sent it to him.
Months passed with no word of thanks or even acknowledgment. Some time later they received another letter forwarded to them addressed to God. It was from the same fellow.
Dear God,
I hate to bother you again, but I lost my new job at the shoe store, my car was wrecked, and my wife is in the hospital again. Please send me 1,000 bucks to get these creditors off our backs.
Thanks again.
P.S. Please send it to me directly this time. Last time you sent it through the church next door and those dirty crooks kept half of it.
The pastor read it at the next charity committee meeting:
Dear God,
I hate to bother you, but my family is having it tough right now. The rent is two month's due, my wife is expecting, and my car is broke down. Plus I just lost my job as a night watchman due to sleeping on the job. Please send us 1,000 bucks and I won't bother you again.
The pastor read the name and one of the members recognized it. "He lives right down the street from the church," she said. "This might be a good way to witness to him and show him we care."
The others agreed but the church fund was only to help members. Finally, after much discussion, they decided to pool their resources and give from their own pockets. They came up with 500 bucks, then wrote out a check from the church and sent it to him.
Months passed with no word of thanks or even acknowledgment. Some time later they received another letter forwarded to them addressed to God. It was from the same fellow.
Dear God,
I hate to bother you again, but I lost my new job at the shoe store, my car was wrecked, and my wife is in the hospital again. Please send me 1,000 bucks to get these creditors off our backs.
Thanks again.
P.S. Please send it to me directly this time. Last time you sent it through the church next door and those dirty crooks kept half of it.
Crazy traffic in India
Well...The video says it all!!
Nobody follows lights...
Nobody yields...
And yet..
Not a single collision...
No jams...
It happens only in India
Nobody follows lights...
Nobody yields...
And yet..
Not a single collision...
No jams...
It happens only in India
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Top 13 Worst & Funny Marketing Slogan Translations Ever
Language translation is not an easy task. And sometimes, a slight mistake in the translation can create a huge difference in the meaning of the original content. It can be funny and tragic at the very same time. And here I am gonna share few of the translation mistakes of the marketing slogans which are funny to us but tragic to the brands.Here are few of the worst ever translation of the marketing slogans of the few of the biggest brands of the world.
1. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” The company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: “Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux.”
3. Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick,” a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “Manure Stick.”
4. Coors put its slogan, “Turn It Loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer From Diarrhea.”
5. Pepsi’s “Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation” translated into “Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave” in Chinese.
6. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what’s inside, since many people can’t read.
7. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
8. Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken,” was translated into Spanish as “it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.”
9. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its “Fly In Leather” campaign literally, which meant “Fly Naked” (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
10. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I Saw the Potato” (la papa).
11. The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign “Got Milk?” prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read “Are You Lactating?”
12. General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. “No va” in Spanish means, “It Doesn’t Go”.
13. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Kekoukela”, meaning “Bite the Wax Tadpole” or “Female Horse Stuffed with Wax”, depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent “kokoukole”, translating into “Happiness in the Mouth.”
1. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” The company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: “Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux.”
3. Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick,” a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “Manure Stick.”
4. Coors put its slogan, “Turn It Loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer From Diarrhea.”
5. Pepsi’s “Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation” translated into “Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave” in Chinese.
6. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what’s inside, since many people can’t read.
7. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
8. Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken,” was translated into Spanish as “it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.”
9. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its “Fly In Leather” campaign literally, which meant “Fly Naked” (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
10. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I Saw the Potato” (la papa).
11. The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign “Got Milk?” prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read “Are You Lactating?”
12. General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. “No va” in Spanish means, “It Doesn’t Go”.
13. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Kekoukela”, meaning “Bite the Wax Tadpole” or “Female Horse Stuffed with Wax”, depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent “kokoukole”, translating into “Happiness in the Mouth.”
Sardar And Maths.. Very Funny.. Enjoy
There is a group of 7 Sardars who plan to meet their old friend the President Dr. Zail Singh..
The Sardars decide to take a taxi.
The taxi driver takes them to Rashtrapati Bhavan.
The meter shows Rs. 28/-, so the taxi driver says, "You have to pay me Rs. 28/-."
Now, the Sardars have to share the cost among themselves and so they decide to divide the total (Rs. 28/-) by the number of people, i.e. 7.
This is how they do the calculation to arrive at the answer:
____
7| 28 = 13 ( 7 x 1 = 7, 7 x 3 = 21 ).
7
--
21
21
--
0
--
The driver is exceedingly happy upon receiving Rs. 13/- from each of the Sardars. He thanks them profusely and the feeling of happiness is writtern on his face as he leaves them and proceeds his way.
Seeing this, the Sardars feel that they may have made a mistake.
They decide to ask Zail Singh about it. After all, the fellow was the President of the nation!
They ask Zail Singh to check their calculation of the taxi fare.
Zail Singh ponders over the calculations and finally says, "See, I am not good at division. The process just boggles me but addition is something I am an expert at. Let us add all the amounts you guys gave to the taxi driver and check the result. This is how I do for those tax forms I get very often. The process is slow but is sure." The other sardars nod their heads (?) in appreciation.
The President writes as shown below and also explains as he writes on:
13
13
13
13
13
13
13
--
28
--
i.e. 3+3+3+3+3+3+3= 21 and 21+1+1+1+1+1+1+1=28 so this checks out.
He then says, "Yes, it's correct. But I can also call my close friend and Finance man Banta Singh.
Banta Singh arrives, and when told of the problem, he replies that he doesn't think it is a bad deal but says, "No problem! I will verify it via mathematical computation. I'll verify it with multiplication. That is the best technique for this, you see!"
While others watch in admiration, Banta Singh goes on to write as shown:
13
x7
--- (7*3=21 ,7*1=7 so 21+7=28)
21
+ 7
--
28 This checks out as well.
--
Then he says, "This is really fine. There should be no problem, President Sahab. After all, it is correct in all the methods."
The Sardars decide to take a taxi.
The taxi driver takes them to Rashtrapati Bhavan.
The meter shows Rs. 28/-, so the taxi driver says, "You have to pay me Rs. 28/-."
Now, the Sardars have to share the cost among themselves and so they decide to divide the total (Rs. 28/-) by the number of people, i.e. 7.
This is how they do the calculation to arrive at the answer:
____
7| 28 = 13 ( 7 x 1 = 7, 7 x 3 = 21 ).
7
--
21
21
--
0
--
The driver is exceedingly happy upon receiving Rs. 13/- from each of the Sardars. He thanks them profusely and the feeling of happiness is writtern on his face as he leaves them and proceeds his way.
Seeing this, the Sardars feel that they may have made a mistake.
They decide to ask Zail Singh about it. After all, the fellow was the President of the nation!
They ask Zail Singh to check their calculation of the taxi fare.
Zail Singh ponders over the calculations and finally says, "See, I am not good at division. The process just boggles me but addition is something I am an expert at. Let us add all the amounts you guys gave to the taxi driver and check the result. This is how I do for those tax forms I get very often. The process is slow but is sure." The other sardars nod their heads (?) in appreciation.
The President writes as shown below and also explains as he writes on:
13
13
13
13
13
13
13
--
28
--
i.e. 3+3+3+3+3+3+3= 21 and 21+1+1+1+1+1+1+1=28 so this checks out.
He then says, "Yes, it's correct. But I can also call my close friend and Finance man Banta Singh.
Banta Singh arrives, and when told of the problem, he replies that he doesn't think it is a bad deal but says, "No problem! I will verify it via mathematical computation. I'll verify it with multiplication. That is the best technique for this, you see!"
While others watch in admiration, Banta Singh goes on to write as shown:
13
x7
--- (7*3=21 ,7*1=7 so 21+7=28)
21
+ 7
--
28 This checks out as well.
--
Then he says, "This is really fine. There should be no problem, President Sahab. After all, it is correct in all the methods."
Womens Language Translated | Funny
Here, some commonly used words or sentences by women are translated in to their real meaning.. So, check them out...
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I m sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need... = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want... = You'll pay for this later....... .
We need to talk... = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.
I m not upset = Of course I m upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot......... ..
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs...... ......
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper... ..
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
Do you love me? = I m going to ask for something expensive... .........
Honey how much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like........ ....
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I m sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need... = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want... = You'll pay for this later....... .
We need to talk... = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.
I m not upset = Of course I m upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot......... ..
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs...... ......
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper... ..
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
Do you love me? = I m going to ask for something expensive... .........
Honey how much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like........ ....
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Top 100 Reasons It'S Great To Be A Guy
The top 100 reasons it's great to be a guy
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
All your orgasms are real.
A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
You understand why Stripes is funny.
You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
You can kill your own food.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
You never have to clean the toilet.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
The National College Cheerleading Championship
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
Foreplay is optional.
Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
The world is your urinal.
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
Same work....more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
ESPN's sports center.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell you friends you've changed.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
Baywatch
There is always a game on somewhere.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
All your orgasms are real.
A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
You understand why Stripes is funny.
You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
You can kill your own food.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
You never have to clean the toilet.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
The National College Cheerleading Championship
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
Foreplay is optional.
Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
The world is your urinal.
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
Same work....more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
ESPN's sports center.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell you friends you've changed.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
Baywatch
There is always a game on somewhere.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Why Women Get Angry?
WHAT THE WIVES DON’T LIKE ABOUT THEIR HUSBAND
There are a few (chosen the unlucky number 13) tips for the erring husbands. I’m writing this from the experience of my close friends and relatives supplemented by mine.
Of course there are some people who has sensible wives…………Ladies , please don’t take offence for my language. I’ll amend it to indulgent, considerate and forgiving wives who condone their loving husbands as minor offences.
HERE I START…………………
You must avoid the following to keep your wives in good humour.
Ladies get most upset by the following husbands’ action:-
1. Putting the wet towel on bed after bath.
2. Not lifting the commode seat after using the toilet.
3. Keeping the bathroom wet without mopping.
4. Not recognising the new saree worn leave aside praising it.
5. Putting on a non matching tie and shirt and pants.
6. Comparing the culinary skill of your dish with that of mother in law.
7. Planning to spend holidays in in-law’s place rather than your parents’ place.
8. Enjoying to buy vegetables rather than shopping in a air conditioned Mall.
9. Reading newspaper covering the face while seeping morning cup of tea.
10. Not be the first person to wish Happy Birth Day.
11. Never forgetting the handkerchief, but forgetting to kiss the wife before going to office.
12. Coming late from office via a relative’s home and saying that the delay was due to some urgent conference in office.
13.
Praising the friend’s wife for look, smartness, sweet voice and friendly nature.
There are a few (chosen the unlucky number 13) tips for the erring husbands. I’m writing this from the experience of my close friends and relatives supplemented by mine.
Of course there are some people who has sensible wives…………Ladies , please don’t take offence for my language. I’ll amend it to indulgent, considerate and forgiving wives who condone their loving husbands as minor offences.
HERE I START…………………
You must avoid the following to keep your wives in good humour.
Ladies get most upset by the following husbands’ action:-
1. Putting the wet towel on bed after bath.
2. Not lifting the commode seat after using the toilet.
3. Keeping the bathroom wet without mopping.
4. Not recognising the new saree worn leave aside praising it.
5. Putting on a non matching tie and shirt and pants.
6. Comparing the culinary skill of your dish with that of mother in law.
7. Planning to spend holidays in in-law’s place rather than your parents’ place.
8. Enjoying to buy vegetables rather than shopping in a air conditioned Mall.
9. Reading newspaper covering the face while seeping morning cup of tea.
10. Not be the first person to wish Happy Birth Day.
11. Never forgetting the handkerchief, but forgetting to kiss the wife before going to office.
12. Coming late from office via a relative’s home and saying that the delay was due to some urgent conference in office.
13.
Praising the friend’s wife for look, smartness, sweet voice and friendly nature.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
The Obliging Mortician
Dorothy was very upset because her husband Albert had just passed away.
She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed, and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.
One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.
The next day, Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.
She asks the attendant, "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man who was about your husband's size was brought in, and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset, as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the attendant replied.
The woman smiled.
He continued: "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around".
She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed, and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.
One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.
The next day, Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.
She asks the attendant, "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man who was about your husband's size was brought in, and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset, as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the attendant replied.
The woman smiled.
He continued: "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around".
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Why I Fired My Secretary
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,” Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone" Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,” Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! “It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it’s such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"
I responded,” I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said,” Let’s drop by my apartment; it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said," Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch....
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NAKED……
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,” Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone" Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,” Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! “It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it’s such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"
I responded,” I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said,” Let’s drop by my apartment; it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said," Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch....
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NAKED……
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Tomato Story
A Jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.
'You are employed' he said. Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.
The man replied 'But I don't have a computer, neither an email'.
'I'm sorry', said the HR manager. If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job.'
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours,
he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times,
and returned home with $60.
The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.
Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US ...
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.
He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan..
When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.
The man replied,'I don't have an email.'
The broker answered curiously, 'You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an e mail?!!' The man thought for a while and replied, 'Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!'
Moral of the story
Moral 1
Internet is not the solution to your life..
Moral 2
If you don't have an Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
'You are employed' he said. Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.
The man replied 'But I don't have a computer, neither an email'.
'I'm sorry', said the HR manager. If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job.'
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours,
he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times,
and returned home with $60.
The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.
Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US ...
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.
He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan..
When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.
The man replied,'I don't have an email.'
The broker answered curiously, 'You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an e mail?!!' The man thought for a while and replied, 'Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!'
Moral of the story
Moral 1
Internet is not the solution to your life..
Moral 2
If you don't have an Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
Monday, March 29, 2010
The Servant's Ruse
A man was expecting a visit from an acquaintance. He gave two ripe mangoes to his servant and asked him to slice them and serve the fruit when the man came.
The servant gave in to temptation and ate a slice. It was so sweet he could not resist eating another one. Then the madness of gluttony seized him and he devoured all the remaining pieces.
Suddenly he saw the man his master was expecting coming towards the house. He thought fast. He grabbed a rusty knife and rushing to his master told him he couldn't cut the mangoes as the knife was blunt.
"I'll sharpen it," said his master and going to a stone in the garden began to rub the cutting edge of the knife against it.
Leaving him to the task the servant ran out to meet the man who was coming.
"Beware! Beware!" he said when he reached him. "Don't come to our house. My master has gone mad. He's planning to cut both your ears."
"Cut my ears!" exclaimed the man, turning pale. "Why?!"
"There he is sharpening the knife," said the servant. The man saw that his host did indeed have a knife in his hands and was sharpening it with what looked to him like a maniacal fury. He did not wait to find out why his host wanted his ears. He turned around and started walking away as fast as he could.
The servant rushed back to his master and told him that the man he had invited was running away with the mangoes.
"What!" said his master. "The greedy fellow! Has he taken both the mangoes?!"
"Yes," said the servant.
The man ran after the acquaintance shouting:
"Give me one! Give me one at least!"
The other man thought he was asking for one of his ears and ran for his life!
The Mysterious Tracks
Lal Bujhakkad is a comic hero of Hindi folklore.
He is fond of offering elaborate but foolish explanations for simple phenomena and suggesting outlandish solutions for simple problems or riddles. But he lives among foolish people who are in awe of his learning. They readily believe whatever he tells them and never hesitate to carry out his instructions.
Here is a Lal Bujhakkad story.
One morning a villager stepped out of his hut and saw huge, round footmarks in the mud outside his dwelling.
"Oh, my God! What's this!" he shouted.
Soon there was a large crowd outside his hut. None of the villagers had ever seen such large footprints before and they were bewildered by them.
They followed the tracks and found that they ran all through the village to the other side.
"I think... I think," said a villager, finally, "we were visited by a demon last night."
"He must've been of a monstrous size," said another man, shuddering.
"Let us not panic," advised a third villager. "There might be a simple explanation for all this. Let's call Lal Bujhakkad. He has helped us so many times in the past..."
So Lal Bujhakkad who lived in a neighbouring village, was sent for and he came without fuss. He bent over the prints and studied them from every angle.
"Some of us think they were made by a d-demon," said the headman, hesitatingly.
"You people have such fertile imaginations," said Lal Bujhakkad, giving him a withering look. "No, these tracks were not made by a demon or monster. They were made by a deer."
"A deer!" exclaimed the headman. "But they're so big!"
"That's because," explained Lal Bujhakkad patiently, "the animal tied large stones to its feet to fool us."
The villagers stood gaping in wonder at Lal Bujhakkad.
"Only you could have seen through the deer's clever trick," said the headman.
Lal Bujhakkad graciously acknowledged the compliment and admonishing the villagers for their foolishness, returned home.
Some nights later, the animal who had made the tracks, a large elephant, came that way again. The villagers saw the tracks the next morning but this time they were not afraid. They knew the deer was trying to fool them again.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Madho, the Milkman
We've all heard of milkmen adding water to milk. Madho was one such man. His customers knew but were helpless. There was no other milkman in the locality.
One day as Madho was about to start on his rounds in the morning, there was a flash of light and a godly being stood before him.
Madho cowered in fright.
"Why do you add water to milk, Madho?" asked the god.
"I...I..." stammered Madho.
"Speak up!" said the god.
"I-I do it to increase the quantity of milk so that I can make more money, Lord," said Madho.
The god waved his hand and a can of milk identical to the one Madho was carrying appeared before him.
"Behold!" said the deity, "I have given you another can of milk. You now have double the quantity of milk you got from your cows, this morning."
Madho thanked the god profusely and picking up the can, started walking. He took a few steps and stopped.
"Yes?" asked the god. "Is there anything more you want?"
"I was wondering," said Madho, "If you could..."
"Yes! You want another can of milk?" asked the god, kindly.
"No...No!" protested Madho. "I'm not that greedy... just give me another can of water.
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