Alcohol Warnings

Subject: Alcohol Warnings

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

* Indubitably
* Preliminary
* Proliferation

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

* Specificity
* Antidisestablishmentarianism
* Loquacious
* Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

* Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
* Nope, no more booze for me
* Sorry, but you're not really my type
* Oh, no, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

NEW Alcohol Warnings:

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns. On the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING:

The crumsumpten of alcahol may mack you tink you can tipe reel gude.